My search led me to a small and gentle book by Doris Jones titled “And Not One Bird Stopped Singing.” This book is a deeply spiritual reflection of Jones’ feelings as she and her mother do the very human dance of changing places. As Jones points out, it is impossible to move through this emotionally challenging time without reflecting on our own aging process. Jones’ book shares her mother’s decline into Alzheimer’s disease and the resulting change as she shifts from the role of daughter to that of “mother.” Jones surrounds this journey with reflections of her fears and anxieties regarding her own eventual loss of control due to the natural process of aging. Her vulnerability is striking as she shares the loss of her husband and her feeling of loneliness. Jones holds nothing back, sharing her heartaches as her life experiences present yet another loss. The author’s once dainty and fastidious mother moves from her role of mother to that of “daughter’s child.” The woman once called Mother has now been betrayed by her body and appears to be alone in a world in which her daughter feels the only way to connect is to join her in stories of 40 and 50 years ago. The description of the decline is very real as Jones shares the pain of the role reversal. As I read, I became aware of something I had been mulling over in my mind but had never verbalized. Just as no one gave anyone my age a class on parenting, neither do I remember being offered a class on this sort of role reversal. As the author moves through the book, she reflects her feelings with vulnerability, humor, and anger, and she allows us to share her spiritual walk. Yes, I said anger. Many of us don’t want to admit it, but anger and resentment are some of the feelings we can identify as we move through the aging process. Although many of us move through aging with great grace, most of us have some irritation and even anger as we reflect on our parents’ aging. A few years ago, one evening while manicuring my fingernails, I made an amazing discovery. I remember saying out loud to my husband, “Honey, how did my mother’s hands get on my body?” The following summer, when I was trying on some summer shorts, I turned to check the fit in the mirror, and to my amazement found that Mom’s legs had also moved to my body. Youth was gone, and I had never said it was OK for it to leave. Middle age had me strongly in its grasp and I had missed the move from one life phase to another. The feeling and experience of loss of control over my body were tremendous. Don’t get me wrong; I have no problem with aging. I just don’t want to lose control! During years of experience as a chaplain to the aging and dying, I have found very few people who want to give up control. This is our greatest fear. So, how do we prepare? The spirit has great possibilities as a partner for the aging journey. The depth of support found in our spirit can help us move through almost anything. Just as daily exercise, vitamins, and healthful eating provide the best chance for our body to stay healthy longer, so too, does our spirit need exercise. However, the spirit is not accessible if it has not been exercised and developed over the life journey. + Aging is a time when intellectual knowledge takes second chair to the knowledge of spiritual wisdom developed over a lifetime. Spiritual health comes with daily meditation, time alone in the garden to commune with nature, and yoga or Pilates. All of these programs support a spiritual focus as a path to a healthy spirit. But I would like to share another path to healthy aging—one proven to be fruitful over thousands of years. That is sharing your story with the next generation. If we take time to share our story with those who are younger, it is just possible that we may help them with their future anxieties about the aging process. Allowing youths into the vulnerable world of aging, and making them partners with us, will go a long way toward turning the fears of the aging process (and of loss of control) into a gentle movement toward a more acceptable, natural stage of the process of life.

 Beck Schubert, MA, BCC, is chaplain at Grace Hospice.